| ||
| 2018 Diddler Cup Racing Series | ||
|---|---|---|
| Dates | July 14, 2018 - November 18, 2018 | |
| Sport | Stock Car Racing | |
| Game Used | NASCAR Racing 2003 | |
| Format | Points Championship | |
| Participants | 32 | |
| Matches Played | 22 of 22 | |
| Champion(s) | Joe-Jon Winchester (1st title) | |
| Diddler Cup series | ||
| 2017 | 2018 | 2019 |
The 2018 Diddler Cup Racing Series is the second season of the Diddler Cup Racing Series, a stock car racing championship series on IRM.
The season began on July 14, 2018 at Diddler Motor Speedway in South Tucson, Arizona, and concluded on November 18, 2018 at Scorch's Pretty Fucking Good Racetrack in Santa Monica, California.
The championship was won by Joe-Jon Winchester, in the #47 Ford Pinto, sponsored by Just Guns, and a part of the ATF/Bureau Racing team.
Commentary Team
- Chip Chapman (Bryan) - Veteran play by play racing announcer
- "Lightning" Lloyd Shivers (RJ) - Former South Tucson short track champion
Special Guests
- Beaumont Jenkins (Caveman) - President of the Wooba Bally Fan Club
- Scorch (Kyle) - Radio/TV Host, Owner of Scorch's PFG Racetrack
Format changes
The 2018 season is the first to introduce racing teams. This season features 10 teams of two or three cars, plus five drivers who are operating independently.
Additionally, the series format has changed. The season is made up of 22 races, with the first 14 races making up a "regular season". After this, 16 drivers will qualify for the "playoffs", which is the last 8 races. (To be clear, all 32 drivers will race in all 22 races, whether they qualify or not.)
Qualification for the playoffs is awarded to every driver who wins one of the first 14 races of the season. The remaining spots are joined by the two win-less drivers with the highest point totals.
Each round of the playoffs will include a race at one track not featured in the first 14 "regular season" races, with the exception of the final Championship race. The remaining 5 races will be selected from the list of regular season tracks during the season.
Battle for Fifth
As playoff drivers are eliminated, their points are reset to the start of the playoffs (4000 points + playoff points) and the race points won are added back. This allows the 12 eliminated drivers to battle one another for fifth place throughout the 8 playoff races.
Teams and Drivers
| Manufacturer | Team | No. | Driver | Sponsor |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chevrolet Prizm |
Dixie Wimmer Inc. | 9 | Stumpy Lane | GumBooze |
| 40 | Jean-Paul Henry | Ludger Beer Bombs | ||
| 51 | Richard Blood | BOXAWYNE | ||
| SlapDong Corporate Racing | 15 | Kevin Boughner-Pillman | Dongerex InjectiPen | |
| 99 | DIRK Tanaka (R) | SlapMart | ||
| (Independent) | 8 | Jeff Gordon the Horse | GUNK | |
| 38 | Jeff Chinese | Jeff's Chinese | ||
| 69 | Morris Mayfield | NICE | ||
| Dodge Stratus |
Matryoshka Inc. | 1 | Vitaly Kryptov (R) | Greybits |
| 2 | Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear (R) | RUSSIAN BEARS 2 U | ||
| 90 | Petrol Topov (R) | Dmitri's Russian Roulette Laser Tag | ||
| South Tucson Youth Motorsports | 13 | 542 Norman (R) | Florida Georgia Lime | |
| 28 | Ennio Sporini | Wall To Wall Salve | ||
| 60 | Big Daddy Thibodeaux | Tucsonade | ||
| Ford Pinto |
ATF/Bureau Racing | 21 | Cobb Salad (R) | LegalBetForRealMoney.gov |
| 27 | Agent Toby Keith (R) | Throat Candy Tobacco Lozenges | ||
| 47 | Joe-Jon Winchester | Just Guns | ||
| Sbubby Mortports | 00 | Paul Walker | Nihilist Arby's | |
| 11 | Smiley van Vuuren (R) | KFC "I Ate The Bones" | ||
| 55 | Bucky Dewshine (R) | Taco Baco | ||
| War Machine Racing | 4 | Giaccomo Giaccomo | KISS | |
| 35 | Paul Alcohol | Bathhouse Jim's Bathtub Gin | ||
| (Independent) | 41 | Jim Blossoms | Plasma Train | |
| Pontiac Bonneville |
(Adjective) Foods | 81 | Fat Darryl | All The Ham |
| 82 | Harry Gunt | SO MUCH CHICKEN | ||
| 83 | Doug Pork (R) | Good Gravy | ||
| HTE BASMET Racing | 32 | Rickie Walton | Temecula Dirt | |
| 75 | El Matador Toto Rosanna | Air Supply | ||
| (Independent) | 103 | Wooba Bally | Hugger Oranges | |
| Toyota Yaris |
Most Glorious Motorsports | 10 | Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver | Most Glorious Mr. Naga/KUMITE |
| 22 | Bowie Jessup | HCL | ||
| 33 | Reverend Pastorchavez | Yes! |
Changes
Teams
- With the introduction of racing teams, ten new teams were created.
- War Machine Racing was formed as a two-car team by "the greatest rock band in the world, KISS", with Giaccomo Giaccomo and Paul Alcohol both returning to drive the #4 and #35 cars, respectively.
- South Tucson Youth Motorsports was formed and headed up by veteran drivers Ennio Sporini driving the #28 car, and Big Daddy Thibodeaux in the #60 car. The team would be joined by a star youth driver from their academy, driving the #13 car. The beverage Florida-Georgia Lime would be the primary sponsor of the #13 team.
- (Adjective) Foods purchased the #66 and #87 teams, keeping both Fat Darryl and Harry Gunt on as drivers, changing the car numbers to #81 and #82, respectively. The #83 car was added, with all three cars sponsored by various (Adjective) Foods brands: All The Ham (#51), SO MUCH CHICKEN (#82) and Good Gravy (#83). The RU Hungry Grease Trucks (#66) and Butterfield Diet Plan (#87) sponsorships from 2017 were not renewed.
- Dixie Wimmer Incorporated was formed by purchasing the #9 team, keeping Stumpy Lane as driver, as well as defending champion Jean-Paul Henry's #40 team. A third car was added, sponsored by BOXAWYNE, with Richard Blood driving the #51 car.
- Acquiring the rights to the #00 and #11 racing teams, Sbubby Mortports added the #55 car to their ranks, with all new drivers on each team. The new #55 car announced it would bring on Taco Baco as its primary sponsor.
- Matryoshka Inc. was formed thanks to the investment of a consortium of Russian oligarchs. They fielded a team of three cars, #1, #2, and #90, all using cyrillic numbers. With the new teams, Russian-based sponsors came on board, with crypto-currency Greybits sponsoring the #1 car, RUSSIAN BEARS 2 U delivery services sponsoring the #2 car, and Dmitri's Russian Roulette Laser Tag sponsoring the #90 car.
- The Walton family, owners of the #32 team, formed HTE BASMET Racing, with the #75 team joining the ranks.
- ATF Bureau Racing was formed by the United States government, with the #21 and #47 cars purchased, as well as a third car, #27, added. Throat Candy Tobacco Lozenges joined on as the primary sponsor of the #27 car.
- Most Glorious and Honorable Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Motorsports was formed by acquiring the #22 and #33 racing teams to join the #10 car. The convenience store Yes! was announced as the new sponsor for the #33 car, replacing Christpunch.
- The sponsors for the #15 and #99 teams joined forces to form SlapDong Corporate Racing.
- Due to this major shake-up, many racing teams were forced to halt, pause, or downgrade operations.
- The #2 team closed after losing sponsor BOXAWYNE to Dixie Wimmer Inc.
- The #12 team closed operations due to cutbacks at the LOA prison.
- The #49 team shut down after learning that Roadblock, their primary sponsor, wasn't a draw.
- The #20 team halted operations, as well as sponsor Slip's Red Hot Pizza.
- The #44 team closed operations after realizing that a blind guy driving was not the best strategy. The Molested Pig BBQ ended their sponsorship with the closing.
- The #25 team ended operations with owner/driver Jasper Cuttysark's retirement. The sponsor Throat Candy Tobacco Lozenges moved to the new #27 team.
- The #90 team shut down operations, along with sponsors "Filthy Boys", mostly due to the fact that no one knew what they were advertising exactly, or where any money to fund the team was coming from.
- The #17 Taxidermy WOW! team announced they would not return for the 2018 season, but were not ceasing operations completely.
Drivers
- Jasper Cuttysark announced his retirement along with the ceasing of operations of the #25 team.
- Jimmy Poots is no longer an active driver with the closing of the #90 team.
- The #69 team brought on Morris Mayfield to replace Otto Bahn as their driver.
- Rookie Cobb Salad was brought on by the ATF Bureau Racing team to replace B.D. Joseph in the #21 car.
- Rusty Arkana, Burt McKitchen, Blind Bob McGee, and Joey Rochester were also no longer active drivers due to the closing of the #12, #20, #44, and #49 teams, respectively.
- Cotton Stuffbody took a hiatus from racing to focus on sponsorship after the #17 team temporarily halted operations.
- Elmer Twist was replaced in the #99 SlapMart car by rookie DIRK Tanaka. Twist was rumored to retire, but this had not been confirmed at present time.
- Doug Pork was brought on to drive the #83 car, the third team for (Adjective) Foods.
- Rookie Smiley van Vuuren was signed by Sbubby Mortports to drive the #11 car, replacing Jim Blossoms, who was deemed too much of a liability.
- Rookie Bucky Dewshine also signed with Sbubby Mortports to drive the new #55 car, putting two rookies on their 3-car team.
- After Richard Blood was signed by DWI to drive the #51 car, Jim Blossoms was hired to drive the independent #41 Plasma Train car.
- With the closing of the #2 team, Paul Walker, filled with an acceptable amount of existential dread, was signed by Sbubby Mortports to drive the #00 Nihilist Arby's car.
- South Tucson Youth Motorsports announced the star academy student 542 Norman would be selected as the first driver to join the #13 team, and would drive the car full-time for the 2018 season.
- The Russian team Matryoshka Inc. announced their roster of drivers for the 2018 season, with Vitaly Kryptov and Petrol Topov driving the #1 and #90 cars, respectively. The surprise came as Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear was announced to man... er... bear the #2 car.
Manufacturers
- With the formation of ATF/Bureau Racing, the team will use Ford cars. Due to the acquisition, the #21 team will switch from Pontiac to Ford.
- With the formation of Most Glorious Motorsports, the #22 and #33 teams will switch from Dodge to Toyota.
- Now a part of (Adjective) Foods, the #82 (formerly #87) car will switch from Dodge to Pontiac.
- The #75 Air Supply will switch from Dodge to Pontiac as it joins the #32 car to form HTE BASMET Racing.
- The #99 SlapMart car will switch from Pontiac to Chevrolet, due to its partnership to form SlapDong Corporate Racing.
Schedule
| No. | Race Title | Track | Date |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Beefis 300 | Diddler Motor Speedway, South Tucson, Arizona | July 14, 2018 |
| 2 | Tucsonade Dehydration Grand Prix | The Actual Roads of South Tucson, South Tucson, Arizona | July 15, 2018 |
| 3 | A "Daytona" "500" | Richard Petty Driving Experience, Daytona Beach, Florida | July 19, 2018 |
| 4 | We Put a Bat in Everybody's Car 200 | Stoney Roberts |
July 22, 2018 |
| 5 | Dyslexia Cares 005 | Alternate Right Turn Speedway, Stone Mountain, Georgia | July 29, 2018 |
| 6 | 300 Miles of Failure Piles | The Crocodile Mile, Okefenokee Swamp, Florida | August 5, 2018 |
| 7 | Florida Man 400 | Crystal Meth Speedway, Destin, Florida | August 10, 2018 |
| 8 | Akron Accident Prevention 500 | WCW Hog Wild 1996 Speedway at Sturgis, Sturgis, South Dakota | August 19, 2018 |
| 9 | Ainsley Harriott 250 | The Roundabout by Yes, Fawkham, England | August 26, 2018 |
| 10 | Toxic Masculinity 300 | Too Far Speedway, Tulsa, Oklahoma | September 3, 2018 |
| 11 | Cinnafist 500 | Strong Style King's Roadway, Tokyo, Japan | September 9, 2018 |
| 12 | The Notorious 187 | Enjoy Stock Car Racing Ironically Speedway, Brooklyn, New York | September 13, 2018 |
| 13 | ReShart Code Brown Pants-Shitter 400 | Die Poopenhosen, Durchfall, Germany | September 16, 2018 |
| 14 | TEXAS: The Race | Actually TEXAS Motor Speedway, How Did They Let Us Do This, We Have A Driving Horse And A Bear And A Dang 13-year Old For Crying Out Loud, Fort Worth, TEXAS | September 20, 2018 |
| GumBooze Pointless Wreck-stravaganza | Inconveniently Far From A Hospital Speedway, Scenic Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania | September 22, 2018 | |
| Playoffs - First Round | |||
| 15 | Covergirl 500 | RuPaul's Drag Strip, Boystown, Illinois | October 14, 2018 |
| 16 | Nihilist Arby's Endless Monotonous Loop | Desolate Ellipse, Hell, Michigan | October 21, 2018 |
| 17 | Jesse James Du Prix | The Actual Roads of South Tucson, South Tucson, Arizona | October 28, 2018 |
| Playoffs - Second Round | |||
| 18 | Parts Unknown 300 | Those Two Pit Road Officials From The Stone Mountain Race Memorial Speedway, Langhorne, Pennsylvania | November 1, 2018 |
| 19 | Noxious Fumes 500 | Alternate Right Turn Speedway, Stone Mountain, Georgia | November 4, 2018 |
| Playoffs - Semifinal Round | |||
| 20 | Flavorless 400 presented by Aspic | Crystal Meth Speedway, Destin, Florida | November 8, 2018 |
| 21 | The Proclaimers' I Would Walk 500 | ABBA: The Racetrack, The City of Europe | November 11, 2018 |
| Playoffs - Championship Round | |||
| 22 | Totally Nude 500 | Scorch's PFG Racetrack, Santa Monica, California | November 18, 2018 |
Season Summary
Race Reports
Regular Season
Race 1: Beefis 300
The defending 2017 champion, Jean-Paul Henry, started on the pole, and led the first 15 laps of this 100-lap race before falling back into the lead pack. From there, Paul Alcohol led for the remaining 85 laps, holding off challenges from Paul Walker and Joe-Jon Winchester, to win the race.
Race 2: Tucsonade Dehydration Grand Prix
Richard Blood started on the pole, currently leading all drivers in Diddler Cup history with 4 career pole awards. However, it was Jeff Gordon The Horse that hit the start/finish line at the green flag to bring this race to a start. On lap 1, a small pack of 6 cars, led by two Matryoshka, Inc. drivers, Vitaly Kryptov and Petrol Topov, raced to the front and opened up a 5-second lead on the field. Joe-Jon Winchester, Rickie Walton, and rookie Bucky Dewshine followed the duo, along with Ennio Sporini who couldn't keep up after one lap, but ultimately, the breakaway was reeled in by the rest of the field. Cars started falling off, as Big Daddy Thibodeaux and Winchester spun out on a dangerous turn, making contact and sending them to pit road. Leading the race before pitting because a carousel, as Giaccomo Giaccomo, Wooba Bally, and Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver all led a lap before moving to pit road. Jeff Chinese retired from the race on Lap 8 of 12, after running into the back of Giaccomo Giaccomo. Reverend Pastorchavez would take the lead with 5 laps to go, only to lose it to Paul Alcohol for one lap before falling back off the pace. With 3 laps to go, four cars battled it out. Pastorchavez and Bowie Jessup from Most Glorious Motorsports battled with Richard Blood and Stumpy Lane of Dixie Wimmer Inc. On the second to last lap, the pair of MGM drivers made their attack, leaving the DWI cars in the dust. Pastorchavez and Jessup battled mildly on the final stretch, but Reverend Pastorchavez took the win over teammate Bowie Jessup, with Lane and Blood taking 3rd and 4th, holding off Paul Alcohol in fifth.
Race 3: A "Daytona" "500"
Giaccomo Giaccomo started on the pole, and brought the tightly contested field of drivers to the green flag. As the 32 cars built up speed, the two predominant lines became three and four wide, especially coming off of Turn 3. A total of 15 different drivers led the race, which was shortened to 56 laps due to the whole trespassing thing. As the laps dwindled down, green flag pit stops opened up a split in the field, with the top 10 drivers opening up a 7-second gap from the field. However, at lap 49, a caution came out with little explanation, as no cars wrecked or were off the pace. As all cars visited pit road under green flags, the field condensed for a 3-lap shootout at the restart. Rookie Cobb Salad, who led the most laps, including the ones under caution, drove like a veteran to hold off charges from Big Daddy Thibodeaux, Petrol Topov, and Morris Mayfield, to keep his lead, winning the checkered flag and the race.
Race 4: We Put A Bat In Everyone's Car 200
Bucky Dewshine started on the pole, and led for the first 40 laps of this chaotic 70-lap race on the slippery 0.4-mile dirt oval. Crashes were aplenty as cars taking the high line would get loose and slide up at Turn 3, aptly named "Batshit Corner". Of note, Ennio Sporini on lap 21 was flipped over, righted, and never pitted to repair. The lead changed four times, with five drivers earning the 5 bonus points: Richard Blood, Petrol Topov, Rickie Walton, and Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver, along with pole sitter Dewshine. Richard Blood's bat apparently gummed up his camshaft and, as he was leading in lap 49, was forced to end his race early. With four laps to go, Rickie Walton, holding off challenges from Topov, Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver, and DIRK Tanaka, spun out on Batshit Corner, but remained on the race track. His delay shrunk the gap between first and second, but did not do enough to keep the Temecula Dirt car from winning the race.
Race 5: Dyslexia Cares 005
Giaccomo Giaccomo started on the pole, along with Vitaly Kryptov. This was Giaccomo's 2nd pole this season already. The pack of 32 cars made it only 3 laps of the 61-lap race before disaster struck. While fighting for the lead, Giaccomo's #4 KISS Ford and Kryptov's #1 Greybits Dodge made contact, sending both cars tumbling up the side of the track, with Kryptov's car getting airborne until it landed square on the windshield of DIRK Tanaka's #99 Slapmart Chevy, bouncing and taking all 3 cars out of the race. During the caution, the first of 3 in the race, Kevin Boughner-Pillman and El Matador Toto Rosanna made contact and crashed into the wall while trying to catch up to the pace car. During this wreck, Reverend Pastorchavez had spent most of the race in the pits, only to return after the caution and spin out and crash at lap 11. Attrition was the theme of the race, as drivers dropped like flies, and 542 Norman's #13 Florida Georgia Lime Dodge left the race, the only retiring driver not due to a wreck. Oh, did we mention that Pastorchavez's wreck didn't bring out a caution? Yeah. They said fuck that. With 25 drivers still on the track, the field dwindled down even more, as lap 19 brought about a second caution, involving Big Daddy Thibodeaux, who saw the worst of it, ending his race, but also Wooba Bally, Rickie Walton, Doug Pork, Fat Darryl, Paul Alcohol, and Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear. With 21 drivers left, and 3 trailing off the back, 18 drivers pushed forward with 40 laps still to go. Things turned tragic, then hilarious, then tragic, and then hilarious again, as Cobb Salad and Jeff Chinese wrecked on lap 31, careening into the pits and taking out the pit lane official. Cobb Salad was able to keep it together and stay in the race, but Chinese would end up a lap down with no yellow flag. Not long after, the tragic-hilarious cycle continued at lap 39, with a caution once more, this time taking out Stumpy Lane, who made contact with Doug Pork, also involving Morris Mayfield, and Agent Toby Keith, who continued to plow into Lane, taking him out of the race. With 20 laps to go, a pack of 11 cars battled for the win, trading the lead, until Paul Walker and Joe-Jon Winchester pushed to the front, with Petrol Topov, Jeff Gordon The Horse, and Jim Blossoms not far behind challenging. However, ultimately it was Winchester who had the speed coming out of the turns to push forward and pass Walker on the final lap to win the race, his 3rd career win and first of the season.
Race 6: 300 Miles of Failure Piles
Bucky Dewshine started on the pole, which was the 2nd pole this season for the rookie in the #55 Taco Baco Ford. However, Giaccomo Giaccomo, on the outside of the front row, found the stronger line quickly and rocketed past Dewshine to lead the first lap of the race. With Rickie Walton and Joe-Jon Winchester, two drivers who have already qualified for the playoffs, within reach, the #4 KISS car held the lead until Lap 34, starting the first of a set of green flag pit stops. However, as the leading group of drivers reached pit road, a caution came out on Lap 38 due to a crash involving Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear and Paul Walker. With the restart, Vitaly Kryptov took the lead for the #1 Greybits team, and held onto that lead until the second set of green flag pit stops, at Lap 75 of the 120-lap race. However, just as this happened, Rickie Walton bumped the wall heading into the pits, and slammed his car directly into the divider, bringing out another caution. With the lead swapping around due to the yellow flag, the restart came with 42 laps to go, and Petrol Topov led the race in the #90 Dodge Stratus, after initially starting at the back of the field. After building a 5-second lead over the rest of the field, the final laps became a pit road strategy battle, as the leader had to make a quick stop with 6 laps to go. However, with Jim Blossoms leading the race, followed by Morris Mayfield, the leaders needed to pit as well, and the field cycled through once more, with Petrol Topov regaining the lead with 3 to go and held on to win the race.
Race 7: Florida Man 400
Stumpy Lane started on the pole, making him the last of the Dixie Wimmer, Inc drivers to have won a pole this season. With the opening stretch, the high line going into the first turn of the oddly-shaped track proved treacherous, with many cars scraping the wall coming out of Turn 1. Many drivers would jockey for the lead, confirming their 5 points, and retreating into the pack. The first caution came out at Lap 8, bringing out the caution, in a wreck in the middle that spun out Jim Blossoms but was mostly involving Kevin Boughner-Pillman, and seemingly caused by Smiley van Vuuren. At this point we started seeing crashes come as the race track took quite a bit to get used to. Lap 18 brought out the second caution, with Paul Alcohol sandwiched by DIRK Tanaka and Vitaly Kryptov, spinning like a top as the field slowed to caution speeds and pit road once more. Alcohol even got wrecked on his way off pit road, spun out after making contact with van Vuuren and Boughner-Pillman. Lap 27 brought out the yellow once more, with Doug Pork thrown down into the infield in a giant wreck, where the Florida Man Mystery Hole claimed a few victims. After these three wrecks, the race began to settle until "the big one" hit at the very end of the race. With Wooba Bally taking the lead with two laps to go, into the white flag, a final lap caution caused enough chaos to bring out the yellow flag but allow the race to finish, where Fat Darryl crashed into Jim Blossoms and Doug Pork, along with Paul Walker. The finish was mired with controversy, as DIRK Tanaka fired himself up past Bally, who lost his draft, into second. With teammate Ennio Sporini, laps down, pushing him forward, Big Daddy Thibodeaux took the low line to finish ahead of Tanaka and Bally and win the race.
Race 8: Akron Accident Prevention 500
Richard Blood started on the pole for the second time this season in the #51 BOXAWYNE Chevy. Just as the command to start engines was given, and the pace car led the field, Wooba Bally's car immediately had to be brought to the pits, never starting the race, after a stellar qualifying effort, starting third but not qualifying for any points. As is the typical case on these huge superspeedways, the lead changed multiple times with cars going as many as five or six wide in and out of the turns. However, the massive track of over 4 miles long was incredibly wide, giving plenty of room to move, especially into the highly-banked turns. The first sign of trouble came at Lap 10 of 42, with Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver sliding up the track into Doug Pork and Vitaly Kryptov, pushing them into the wall, and involving several other drivers behind. The ten cars involved visited pit road, and Joe-Jon Winchester, Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear, Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver, and Harry Gunt. The restart came with 28 laps to go, as the lead pack dwindled down to 22, with many cars falling off the pace. The dreaded split of the pack came at the halfway point, Lap 21, when Petrol Topov was put a lap down, and caused many of the cars to brake check and fall behind, dropping the lead pack to 12. Lap 22 brought on the first wave of green flag pit stops, with Bucky Dewshine and Cobb Salad taking a huge lead over the field at Lap 25, running well enough to have speed after the only wreck, but having pitted during the caution. This strategy only lasted for so long, as both Salad and Dewshine had to pit at Lap 34 to refuel. The final 8 laps became a six-car race, with DIRK Tanaka and Kevin Boughner-Pillman trading the lead for SlapDong Corporate Racing, along with Smiley van Vuuren and Dewshine for Sbubby Mortports, and El Matador Toto Rosanna and Agent Toby Keith. Seventh place was a battle, with the pack of 13 cars almost five seconds off the lead. Dewshine's attempt to keep pace faded with 4 laps to go, and Kevin Boughner-Pillman took the white flag. With the help of his teammate DIRK Tanaka, who finished fourth, managing the front of the field, Boughner-Pillman held a tenth of a second over van Vuuren in second to win the race.
Race 9: Ainsley Harriott 250
Paul Alcohol started on the pole in the #35 Bathhouse Jim's Bathtub Gin Ford Pinto on this circular short track. Immediately from the start, issues with Cobb Salad, who qualified 3rd, caused a logjam on the inside line, mixed with the speed of the preferred high line on the track. Paul Walker, the outside pole, ended up leading the first lap, with Alcohol dropping down to 10th, and falling to 24th within the first ten laps. Kevin Boughner-Pillman was the class of the early stages, dragging youngster 542 Norman and Paul Walker with him and opening up a 14-second lead over the field. About 24 laps in, lap traffic expanded the front pack to eight cars, but Kevin Boughner-Pillman pushed back into the lead until the first caution at Lap 37. Bucky Dewshine and Jeff Gordon The Horse, both behind lapped cars Wooba Bally, got a little too close, pushing Bally up into the wall along with El Matador Toto Rosanna, who was running in 5th at the time. DIRK Tanaka led the race on the restart at Lap 43 for a short bit, as the second caution only came 4 or 5 laps later, involving Fat Darryl who crashed into Wooba Bally, having the worst day. Third caution came out at Lap 67, with Doug Pork sandwiched between Paul Walker and Bucky Dewshine. Tanaka continued to hold the lead with 28 laps to go, but cautions were what plagued the race, as even under caution Agent Toby Keith missed pit lane and put his own car into the inside wall. With 22 laps to go, Tanaka continue to lead these short runs, as a caution at Lap 86 involving Doug Pork and Paul Walker slowed the race once more. However, one final wreck at Lap 96 froze the field and finished the race under caution. Smiley van Vuuren spun out Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver, which brought out the caution, and allowed DIRK Tanaka to hold his lead and win the race.
Race 10: Toxic Masculinity 300
Richard Blood won the pole, his third of the year, in the #51 BOXAWYNE Chevy. Then the chaos began, with THE HUMP causing not as much chaos as expected. However, early on, Ennio Sporini hit the pit wall on Lap 4, causing a huge wreck also involving Paul Walker, Wooba Bally, DIRK Tanaka, and Cobb Salad. The track also claimed other casualties including Stumpy Lane, Kevin-Boughner Pillman, and Reverend Pastorchavez, who all saw their positions suffer and their cars fall down the rankings. By lap 21, the race was made official, and a pack of 8 cars led the race with a chance at winning, but mostly, the lead was held by Giaccomo Giaccomo and Paul Alcohol, both War Machine Racing drivers. Lap 27 saw the 8 whittle down to 5, as Smiley van Vuuren, Big Daddy Thibodeaux, and Morris Mayfield dropped off the pace. However, on Lap 29, race leader Giaccomo Giaccomo and Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear were involved in an accident that sent the bear clean off the racetrack. The impact of the wreck caused the track itself to begin degraded before our very eyes. Before any further catastrophes occurred, Diddler Cup officials called the race at 28 laps, and based on the last completed lap, Giaccomo Giaccomo was declared the winner.
Race 11: Cinnafist 500
Agent Toby Keith started on the pole, with the rookie and country music singer showing he was "big in Japan" on the tri-oval superspeedway. With speeds hitting 220 mph, the third lap spelled disaster for Big Daddy Thibodeaux, Cobb Salad, Bucky Dewshine, and a few cars at the front including Rickie Walton and Reverend Pastorchavez, as well as Agent Toby Keith. Seven cars had to end their race prematurely at the restart, with the lead alternating as is customary on the superspeedway. By Lap 11 of the 45-lap race, a pack of 14 cars pulled ahead to race for position and maintain the high speed as it climbed to 180 mph. Lap 19 brought chaos as the leaders had trouble making it to the elevated pit road of Strong Style King's Roadway, including a crash between teammates Smiley van Vuuren and Paul Walker that didn't even bring out a caution until a lap later as everyone realized what the hell happened. The restart came at Lap 22, with Giaccomo Giaccomo padded with lapped cars, and the front pack grew back to 17, with all other drivers either out or down a lap. With 20 laps to go, Ennio Sporini, 542 Norman, Paul Walker, and Joe-Jon Winchester, who led during caution, could not keep pace and fell back from the lead pack, eventually joined by Bucky Dewshine who was involved in the wreck earlier, and Giaccomo Giaccomo with 12 laps to go. A handful of the leaders opted to pit with 11 laps to go, with the four cars that stayed out waiting a lap to make the last sprint. However, Jim Blossoms, already a lap down, completely missed pit lane, bringing out a caution with 10 laps to go, one that would have put him back on the lead lap if he wasn't part of the caution itself. The restart came with 7 laps to go, with Paul Alcohol trying to hold off Wooba Bally, but losing the lead to El Matador Toto Rosanna. Richard Blood took the lead after battling Wooba Bally and 8 other cars, including Jeff Chinese, who took the white flag, held off 9 other contenders, with Paul Alcohol the last of the challengers, to win the race and be the first independent race team to qualify for the playoffs.
Race 12: The Notorious 187
Rickie Walton started on the pole, with Joe-Jon Winchester on the outside of the first row. The small track with no banked turns did not allow for much room to pass, and so these impatient drivers had to be incredibly patient. About ten laps in, Jim Blossoms worked his way from the first few rows to lead the race. While Blossoms was able to extend his lead, the battle for second place around the midway point had Giaccomo Giaccomo and Paul Walker trading the spot. With 15 laps to go, green flag pit stops began, mostly for fuel as well as fresh tires. El Matador Toto Rosanna and Paul Alcohol took the lead for the moment before finding themselves to pit lane as well, and the field cycled through with 8 laps to go and Jim Blossoms leading once more, with Paul Walker 8 seconds behind, but solidifying second place in the pit lanes, gaining 3 to 4 seconds over Giaccomo, who held third place safely. However, it was Jim Blossoms returning to victory lane, taking the #41 Plasma Train Ford Pinto into victory lane.
Race 13: ReShart Code Brown Pants-Shitter 400
Jean-Paul Henry started on the pole for the second time this season, but trouble began immediately as his engine failed at the starting command. However, he was able to race to the green flag and score points, though it was in last place of the race. That meant Reverend Pastorchavez brought the cars to the green flag on the outside of the front row, with Fat Darryl effectively taking the place at the front of the inside on this 4.2-mile oval road course. With only 28 laps, hitting The Brown Note perfectly was essential, as was proven by Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear tumbling end over end on the second lap, with Bucky Dewshine and Wooba Bally spinning out and splitting the field up on Lap 3. Fat Darryl led the race from the start, but let's be honest, it's all about the wrecks. Kevin Boughner-Pillman got flipped after making contact with Jim Blossoms and Joe-Jon Winchester. Fat Darryl, Giaccomo Giaccomo, Ennio Sporini, and El Matador Toto Rosanna pulled away as the front four, with the #4 car taking over the lead on Lap 8 as they began encountering lapped traffic. Chaos came to Lap 13, as the pack of cars running 5th through 12th couldn't maneuver The Brown Note, with Jim Blossoms sliding into Vitaly Kryptov. However, 542 Norman, the youngest driver in the field at 13 years old, clipped Petrol Topov, sending both cars into the left side wall, causing the child to flip before making contact with Jeff Chinese. He might be dead. Uh... back to our leaders, Fat Darryl started to fade from the pack, leaving the lead at 3. That lead dropped to 2 with 12 to go as Ennio Sporini and Bowie Jessup, a lap down, made contact on The Brown Note, but it was Sporini saving the car expertly, leaving Rosanna to end up in the wall and out of contention for the lead. Each leader visited pit road with 10 laps to go, but Giaccomo was able to finesse the race track, including perfect runs on The Brown Note, to keep distance from Ennio Sporini in second place, never letting the gap drop below 2.5 seconds, to become the first driver this season to get his second win.
Race 14: TEXAS: The Race
Paul Alcohol started on the pole in the #35 Ford Pinto sponsored by Bathhouse Jim's Bathtub Gin, and took off to a lead of almost two seconds over the rest of the field. However, by lap 28, Paul Walker, Richard Blood, and Jean-Paul Henry caught up to the #35 car, only for Alcohol to pull away again. By Lap 53 of 84, Alcohol, Henry, and Blood all took their green flag pit stop, while Paul Walker stayed out to lead a lap for five valuable points. However, it was Alcohol taking control of the entire race, leading until the last two laps, when Richard Blood was right on his tail for the final lap. Blood came so close, trying to make a look on the low side, but Paul Alcohol held on for the win. Meanwhile, Richard Blood pulled off the track, crashing his vehicle in frustration along with many other drivers who ended up causing the biggest moment of the race after the checkered flag. However, Blood, along with teammate Henry, Walker, and Morris Mayfield, were able to qualify for the playoffs on points, along with the season's 12 race winners.
GumBooze Pointless Wreck-stravaganza
I mean... fuck you want me to say? Loads of crashes. Someone may or may not have died? It was a god damned figure 8 track. We did it before the playoffs, and had to delay them because pretty much everybody was forced into a medically-induced coma after. Just... just watch it. Oh, and there was another fucking Florida-Georgia Line cover band. But Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver won the race, which I think basically just gave him better medical care.
Playoffs
Race 15: Covergirl 500
Jean-Paul Henry began the playoffs with another pole, and started on the front row alongside El Matador Toto Rosanna. Caution came out immediately, with a wreck involving a handful of cars, but none of them playoff cars. Lap 6 brought the green flag back out, but Henry gave away the lead on the top line to Ennio Sporini. Lap 11 brought another caution out, with Smiley van Vuuren's #11 KFC I Ate The Bones Ford getting spun out with nothing really dragging anyone else into the wreck. The green flag was waved on Lap 16 of 67, and remained out for the remainder of the race. Agent Toby Keith took the lead from Ennio Sporini, along with other playoff contenders like DIRK Tanaka, Jeff Chinese, and Giaccomo Giaccomo moving to the front. Green-flag pit stops cycled the field around, with Henry and Giaccomo taking the lead for five points, and Henry taking the lead with 30 laps to go before Morris Mayfield took the lead for five laps. However, fuel was potentially an issue looming overhead that would spell disaster for some drivers. DIRK Tanaka took the lead again, trading it with a handful of other cars on the final stretch, but Paul Alcohol, who had been running loose all day, made his way to the front with only a few laps to go. Henry, Sporini, and Bowie Jessup made a late charge, but several cars dropped to pit road to avoid running out of fuel on the final lap. However, Paul Alcohol took his third win of the season, second in a row, and moved himself to the Round of 12.
Race 16: Nihilist Arby's Endless Monotonous Loop
Paul Alcohol won the pole, his third of the season, continuing his success after two consecutive wins, and an automatic berth in the Round of 12. However, it was his teammate Giaccomo Giaccomo, along with Joe-Jon Winchester, Jim Blossoms, and Richard Blood jockeying for the lead. With two strong lines to race on the circular track, cars would stretch to four wide, but without support, would fall back some more. Though there was only one caution during the race, it came at the most chaotic time as possible. With the 75-lap race requiring one green-flag pit stop, the first pack of leaders when to pit road when Cobb Salad slide up the track, into Stumpy Lane, Paul Alcohol, Smiley van Vuuren, and Morris Mayfield. The wreck sent Mayfield, van Vuuren, and Salad tumbling through the air and along the racetrack, ultimately ending their race after not being able to keep a working car on the track. The wreck brought out the race's only caution, and stunted the field, severely hurting some of the cars that pitted early. With 26 laps to go, the green flag means a full tank of fuel would be enough to last to the finish. Lap traffic led the restart, which Giaccomo, along with temporary leader Bucky Dewshine and Bowie Jessup needed to maneuver, both benefiting from the shake-up on pit road. However, creeping his way up in the last ten laps was DIRK Tanaka, who would finally take the lead with 4 laps to go. Barely hovering over the cutoff line to stay in the playoffs, Tanaka fended off Jessup and Dewshine with help from Paul Alcohol, who was about to be put a lap down. Alcohol created a backup on the low line, forcing brake checks from Jessup and teammate Giaccomo, allowing Tanaka a clear path on the high line to win the race and qualify for the Round of 12.
Race 17: Jesse James Du Prix
Paul Walker started on the pole, his first of the season, in the #00 Nihilist Arby's Ford. However, it was Morris Mayfield, on the outside looking in going into this race, who shot up to the lead in the #69 Nice car. Rickie Walton led lap 3 of the 10-lap race as part of an 8-car breakaway including Mayfield, Jim Blossoms, and Cobb Salad. However, while the small breakaways typically stick in this race, the majority of the field maintained a reachable distance from the leader. Mayfield regained the lead, but Jeff Chinese, pushed forward by Wooba Bally, led the sixth lap for 5 points. However, Kevin Boughner-Pillman and Reverend Pastorchavez, who both struggled to stay in the pack, their playoff hopes were all but dashed, as both were under the cutoff line going in. Big Daddy Thibodeaux and Chinese again led the next two laps, as playoff contenders saw the immense value in those 5 points. Cobb Salad, in last place of the playoffs, brought his championship chances to a close by spinning out and off the plateau into the Great South Tucson Abyss. With two laps to go, Agent Toby Keith took the lead, but Jeff Chinese may have blown too much of his power early on, as he dropped to the end. This brought a slightly anticlimactic finish to the playoff race, as Chinese would drop to 13th and below the cutoff line with his poor finish. However, on the last lap, El Matador Toto Rosanna pushed to the front, and held on for the 12.8 miles around the roads to hold off Morris Mayfield and Agent Toby Keith to win the race. The poor finishes for Boughner-Pillman, Chinese, Pastorchavez, and Salad all confirmed they were eliminated from the playoffs.
Race 18: Parts Unknown 300
Jean-Paul Henry won his fourth pole of the season in the #40 Ludger Beer Bombs Chevy, but it was the outside pole of El Matador Toto Rosanna who took the lead and held it for the first 88 laps of the 150-lap race around the 0.75-mile short track. The #75 Air Supply Pontiac fended off challenges mainly from Henry and Reverend Pastorchavez before visiting pit road under green flag. Henry stayed out to lead a few laps for points before pitting, which gave the lead for a lap to Bucky Dewshine before the caution flag came out, throwing the entire race into disarray. Jim Blossoms, leaving pit road, made contact in his #41 Plasma Train Ford with Stumpy Lane's #9 GumBooze Chevy, spinning them both out and halting the field. While Cobb Salad led the race under caution, he, too, had to pit, leaving the battle for first place on the final stretch between Fat Darryl and championship contender Petrol Topov. While Fat Darryl pushed the #81 All The Ham Pontiac as hard as he could, it was the #90 Dmitri's Russian Roulette Laser Tag Dodge of Topov that showed its class on the short track, leading the last 55 laps from the restart and winning the race, securing a spot in the Round of 8.
Race 19: Noxious Fumes 500
Jim Blossoms started on the pole in the #41 Plasma Train Ford. With El Matador Toto Rosanna again qualifying 2nd, the lead never belonged to Blossoms on the right turn track. Putting in a solid qualifying effort as well, Richard Blood pushed to the front to lead a lap, as well as fellow playoff contender Giaccomo Giaccomo. However, chaos would reign over this 61-lap race, starting at Lap 6, when Bucky Dewshine got loose and ran into both Stumpy Lane and Richard Blood. This did not bring out the first caution, as two laps later, Cobb Salad, Jean-Paul Henry, and El Matador Toto Rosanna were involved in a crash that brought out the yellow. Nerves were at an all-time high as both Blood and Henry were unable to return to the track, and their playoff lives were at risk, entering the race at 4th and 6th place, respectively. The race was restarted, but Lap 18 saw the largest crash of the race, involving im Blossoms, Morris Mayfield, and many other cars,including Harry Gunt, Wooba Bally, Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear, and Vitaly Kryptov. Blossoms and Mayfield's races were not over, but they, along with DIRK Tanaka, struggled to keep pace with the leaders. The caution occurred with Joe-Jon Winchester leading, only to give up the lead to Rickie Walton during a pit stop. Walton, however, did not see his gamble pay off, as he seemed to run out of fuel and never recovered after leading a handful of laps, ultimately spelling the end of his playoff hopes. With laps dwindling, Agent Toby Keith took the lead, trading it with Winchester, who found his way back to the front. Winchester looked strong until ignition problems sent his car smoking to pit road with ten laps to go. Fighting off Petrol Topov, Jeff Gordon The Horse, and Smiley van Vuuren, Agent Toby Keith provided the only positive for ATF Bureau Racing by taking his car to victory lane for the first time.
Race 20: Flavorless 400 presented by Aspic
Giaccomo Giaccomo started on the pole yet again this season, but was unable to hold the lead for the first lap, conceding the charging rookie Smiley van Vuuren. The superspeedway condensed the field early on, with drivers trading the lead for a lap, then falling back into the draft. However, lap 15 brought out the first caution and the first visit for everyone to the pits. Vitaly Kryptov got loose in his #1 Greybits Dodge, sliding up the track and making contact with Agent Toby Keith, 542 Norman, Big Daddy Thibodeaux, and many others. Coming out of the pits, Bucky Dewshine was able to take the lead, with Petrol Topov right behind him as the race restarted at Lap 20. Not long after the restart of this 80-lap did chaos reign supreme, as Richard Blood's motor shot smoke up out of the #51 Chevy, sending his day to an early end. Two laps later, on Lap 24, Harry Gunt made contact with DIRK Tanaka's #99 SlapMart car, but somehow Tanaka was able to keep the car together, and maintain his speed as the caution came out. Van Vuuren, 542 Norman, and El Matador Toto Rosanna were involved in this "Large One" that sent the race back to a yellow flag. The action in the first 26 laps put two of the eight playoff contenders out of the race, Richard Blood and Paul Walker. The next restart gave us 52 laps to go, with Fat Darryl leading once more. A third caution involving Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver, Jeff Chinese, and Fat Darryl brought out the caution once more, and put Jim Blossoms at the front of the field. Even on pit road, the wrecks were everywhere, with Doug Pork, Joe-Jon Winchester, and Morris Mayfield getting turned around trying to exit. Ennio Sporini led under caution with 43 laps to go, when Giaccomo Giaccomo pushed DIRK Tanaka down the track and into another accident. However, the move backfired, and it put Giaccomo out of the race, rather than Tanaka. Coming around for green flag pit stops at Lap 68, Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear led the race with 12 to go, followed by Paul Alcohol. With ten to go, a pack of 9 cars raced for the win, including Dewshine, Mayfield, Stumpy Lane, Rickie Walton, Topov, Jeff Gordon the Horse, and Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver. Paul Alcohol regained the lead with three to go, but while trying to maneuver around Cobb Salad and Winchester, both a lap down, but was side by side with Rickie Walton, which allowed Jeff Gordon the Horse to slingshot past both and into the lead at the white flag. In clean air, Jeff Gordon the Horse pulled away while the rest of the pack raced for second. Morris Mayfield took third behind Petrol Topov, but Jeff Gordon the Horse claimed a long-awaited first ever race win.
Race 21: The Proclaimers' I Would Walk 500
Richard Blood started on the pole for the fourth time this season, but was unable to maintain the speed on the first lap, conceding the lead to Smiley van Vuuren for two laps, and then Jeff Gordon the Horse, the most recent winner, who took the GUNK #8 Chevy and showed it off at the front of the pack for the start of the 61-lap race. The initial rush for the lead was complicated by Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear, who had to visit the pits immediately after an incident with Cobb Salad. Nikolai would find the #2 car in front of the leaders until he was put a lap down by new leader Joe-Jon Winchester. Winchester would be the leader from Lap 8 to the very end, and managed to protect his spot in the top four the entire day. With no cautions, green flag pit stops were scheduled at two throughout the race, and Fat Darryl stayed out one extra lap, which helped him stay in contention for the lead. Trouble came at Lap 27 when El Matador Toto Rosanna, running in fourth, had something break, sending him up the race track, then careening into DIRK Tanaka. The wreck sent Rosanna tumbling through the racetrack, and put both him and Tanaka's car out of the race, ending the SlapMart #99 team's playoff hopes. The playoff field cycled through, putting Giaccomo Giaccomo back in the top four, along with Alcohol, Topov, and leader Winchester. Paul Alcohol was involved in a wild wreck with Wooba Bally at around Lap 40 where the two made contact. Alcohol's car slid into the infield, then bounced back up onto the track and smashing into 542 Norman. All three drivers' races were done, but Alcohol's point lead was still safe. With the last 20 laps, the race became Giaccomo Giaccomo fending off a charging Paul Walker to protect his fourth place spot, ultimately keeping enough distance to hold onto championship hopes, joined by Petrol Topov, Paul Alcohol, and Joe-Jon Winchester, who won the race.
Race 22: Totally Nude 500
Giaccomo Giaccomo started on the pole for the fourth time this season, with the other championship contenders in the front half of the field, with Winchester starting 6th, Alcohol in 12th, and Topov in 14th. Though no points for leading a lap, Giaccomo led the first lap, but eventually faded back into the field, even letting teammate Paul Alcohol move ahead into the provisional champion position. Alcohol moved up through the field to make a charge for the lead. By Lap 18 of the 60-lap race, Alcohol and his teammate Giaccomo were running 2nd and 3rd, with Joe-Jon Winchester taking the cue and moving up to 7th place as well. Lap 20 saw Alcohol take the lead alongside Giaccomo, with Winchester fading back to behind Topov, who had moved up to 12th. The first bit of chaos came at Lap 22, where Jeff Chinese's engine problems avoided a wreck as well as a caution. Chinese couldn't even bring the car to pit road, pulling the #38 car through the sand and ending his day early. The incident split up the field, but kept all four championship contenders in the front pack, now led by Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear. By Lap 29, Petrol Topov was able to follow his teammates through to second place, with Paul Alcohol right on his bumper. However, the entire championship was changed a few laps later, with a caution involving Ennio Sporini and 542 Norman, both having a violent crash trying to visit the pits, which we'd later find would prove fatal for the #13 driver. During the caution, all four championship contenders ran in the top 4, but pit strategy would be the undoing of two of them. Joe-Jon Winchester and Giaccomo Giaccomo visited the pits before Lap 40, but Giaccomo, despite an excellent pit stop, had issues that sent him into the sand and the inside barrier. He stayed out, but dropped over 7 seconds off the pace. Furthermore, Lap 41 forced Paul Alcohol and Petrol Topov to make green flag pit stops, as neither went during the only caution. Winchester was in prime position with 15 laps to go, in fifth place, but rivals Giaccomo 6 seconds behind, and Topov and Alcohol struggling to stay on the lead lap, hoping for a caution to bunch them back together. However, it was not to be, and the only question was whether or not Winchester could win the race in addition to the championship. He would not, finishing second to rookie Bucky Dewshine. However, Joe-Jon Winchester breezed to the finish line to win the 2018 Diddler Cup championship.
The death of 542 Norman
During the final race of the season, 542 Norman was involved in a violent wreck on Lap 36. While following his teammate, Ennio Sporini, to pit road, Sporini misjudged the turn and crashed into the barrels and concrete divider. Norman was unable to correct the car, and slammed viciously into the back of Sporini's car, sending it soaring and tumbling onto the track. The wreck, despite being shown multiple times in replay on the broadcast, was one of the Diddler Cup's more violent wrecks,
Results and Standings
Race Results
| No. | Race | Pole Winner | Race Winner | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Beefis 300 | Jean-Paul Henry | 35 | Paul Alcohol |
| 2 | Tucsonade Dehydration Grand Prix | Richard Blood | 33 | Reverend Pastorchavez |
| 3 | A "Daytona" "500" | Giaccomo Giaccomo | 21 | Cobb Salad |
| 4 | We Put a Bat in Everybody's Car 200 | Bucky Dewshine | 32 | Rickie Walton |
| 5 | Dyslexia Cares 005 | Giaccomo Giaccomo | 47 | Joe-Jon Winchester |
| 6 | 300 Miles of Failure Piles | Bucky Dewshine | 90 | Petrol Topov |
| 7 | Florida Man 400 | Stumpy Lane | 60 | Big Daddy Thibodeaux |
| 8 | Akron Accident Prevention 500 | Richard Blood | 15 | Kevin Boughner-Pillman |
| 9 | Ainsley Harriott 250 | Paul Alcohol | 99 | Dirk Tanaka |
| 10 | Toxic Masculinity 300 | Richard Blood | 4 | Giaccomo Giaccomo |
| 11 | Cinnafist 500 | Agent Toby Keith | 38 | Jeff Chinese |
| 12 | The Notorious 187 | Rickie Walton | 41 | Jim Blossoms |
| 13 | ReShart Code Brown Pants-Shitter 400 | Jean-Paul Henry | 4 | Giaccomo Giaccomo |
| 14 | TEXAS: The Race | Paul Alcohol | 35 | Paul Alcohol |
| GumBooze Pointless Wreck-stravaganza | N/A | 10 | Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver | |
| Diddler Cup Playoffs - Round of 16 | ||||
| 15 | Covergirl 500 | Jean-Paul Henry | 35 | Paul Alcohol |
| 16 | Nihilist Arby's Endless Monotonous Loop | Paul Alcohol | 99 | DIRK Tanaka |
| 17 | Jesse James Du Prix | Paul Walker | 75 | El Matador Toto Rosanna |
| Diddler Cup Playoffs - Round of 12 | ||||
| 18 | Parts Unknown 300 | Jean-Paul Henry | 90 | Petrol Topov |
| 19 | Noxious Fumes 500 | Jim Blossoms | 27 | Agent Toby Keith |
| Diddler Cup Playoffs - Round of 8 | ||||
| 20 | Flavorless 400 presented by Aspic | Giaccomo Giaccomo | 8 | Jeff Gordon the Horse |
| 21 | The Proclaimers' I Would Walk 500 | Richard Blood | 47 | Joe-Jon Winchester |
| Diddler Cup Playoffs - Final Race | ||||
| 22 | Totally Nude 500 | Giaccomo Giaccomo | 55 | Bucky Dewshine |
Driver Standings
| Pos | Driver | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | Pts | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | #47 | Joe-Jon Winchester | 3 | 30* | 16* | 30 | 1* | 8* | 6* | 28* | 23 | 23 | 12* | 11 | 24 | 12 | 16 | 19* | 3 | 7 | 23* | 18* | 1** | 2* | 10170 | |
| 2 | #4 | Giaccomo Giaccomo | 13 | 19* | 28* | 10 | 31 | 28* | 8** | 9 | 25 | 1** | 6* | 3 | 1** | 18 | 9* | 6** | 22 | 10 | 12* | 27 | 9 | 12* | 10127 | |
| 3 | #35 | Paul Alcohol | 1** | 5* | 14 | 27 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 17* | 4 | 18* | 3** | 14* | 9 | 1** | 1* | 29 | 18 | 4 | 14* | 9** | 28 | 13* | 10124 | |
| 4 | #90 | Petrol Topov | 18 | 20* | 3 | 2* | 3* | 1** | 24 | 27* | 18 | 20 | 11* | 10 | 18 | 25 | 10 | 15 | 15 | 1* | 2* | 2* | 6 | 14 | 10116 | |
| Eliminated from the Diddler Cup Playoffs | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5 | #40 | Jean-Paul Henry | 4* | 6 | 11 | 25 | 13* | 12* | 26* | 7* | 2 | 2 | 7* | 9 | 32 | 5 | 3* | 14 | 10 | 12* | 30 | 20 | 17 | 22* | 4978 | |
| 6 | #60 | Big Daddy Thibodeaux | 31 | 28 | 2 | 23 | 25 | 24 | 1* | 12 | 24 | 7 | 24 | 4 | 25 | 32 | 7 | 20 | 6* | 15 | 9 | 19 | 25 | 23 | 4972 | |
| 7 | #99 | DIRK Tanaka | 21 | 9 | 9* | 3 | 30 | 17 | 2* | 4* | 1** | 30 | 20 | 23 | 19 | 6 | 21* | 1* | 23 | 22 | 13 | 17 | 32 | 11 | 4947 | |
| 8 | #41 | Jim Blossoms | 27 | 24 | 13* | 20 | 5* | 4* | 20 | 19 | 16 | 16 | 23 | 1** | 20 | 11 | 15 | 23* | 9 | 29 | 15 | 10* | 26 | 8* | 4945 | |
| 9 | #00 | Paul Walker | 2 | 10 | 15* | 21 | 2** | 32 | 16* | 8 | 8* | 29 | 14* | 2 | 3 | 3* | 12 | 11 | 24 | 27 | 8 | 30* | 10 | 16 | 4944 | |
| 10 | #69 | Morris Mayfield | 29 | 7 | 4 | 8 | 17* | 2 | 28 | 6* | 21 | 8 | 10* | 17 | 17 | 16 | 11* | 30 | 2** | 21 | 19 | 3 | 27 | 25 | 4944 | |
| 11 | #32 | Rickie Walton | 16 | 11 | 12 | 1* | 22 | 29* | 13 | 10 | 3 | 14 | 26 | 6* | 11 | 17 | 5 | 28 | 27* | 30 | 20* | 8* | 20 | 4* | 4940 | |
| 12 | #51 | Richard Blood | 6 | 4 | 20* | 32* | 7* | 10 | 11* | 14* | 28 | 3* | 2* | 31 | 28 | 2 | 6 | 16 | 31 | 6 | 32* | 32* | 12 | 31* | 4860 | |
| 13 | #38 | Jeff Chinese | 9 | 32 | 21* | 24 | 20 | 25 | 18* | 23 | 29 | 22 | 1* | 19 | 21 | 19 | 8 | 26 | 26* | 23 | 10 | 23 | 19 | 32 | 4830 | |
| 14 | #15 | Kevin Boughner-Pillman | 24 | 14 | 32 | 22 | 28 | 6 | 31 | 1* | 15* | 26 | 32 | 21 | 23 | 23 | 32 | 18 | 20 | 14 | 17 | 31 | 14 | 18 | 4829 | |
| 15 | #33 | Reverend Pastorchavez | 20 | 1** | 18 | 15 | 26 | 5* | 5* | 26 | 22 | 24 | 27* | 22 | 12 | 29 | 23 | 24 | 29 | 20 | 18 | 13 | 21 | 20* | 4829 | |
| 16 | #21 | Cobb Salad | 28 | 27 | 1** | 28 | 11* | 18 | 12* | 21* | 31 | 32 | 30 | 30 | 15 | 20 | 29 | 32 | 32 | 17* | 29 | 26* | 18 | 17 | 4734 | |
| Cutoff for the Diddler Cup Playoffs | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 17 | #81 | Fat Darryl | 5 | 25 | 19* | 12 | 19 | 7 | 21* | 11 | 30 | 10 | 15 | 7 | 4* | 4 | 13 | 10 | 19 | 2* | 7* | 11* | 2* | 5 | 2919 | |
| 18 | #27 | Agent Toby Keith | 23 | 26 | 5 | 7 | 14 | 14 | 14* | 3* | 9 | 5 | 28 | 18 | 13 | 27 | 20** | 9 | 4* | 5 | 1** | 21* | 3 | 7 | 2877 | |
| 19 | #55 | Bucky Dewshine | 15 | 22 | 8* | 6** | 6 | 23 | 7* | 16** | 12 | 21 | 16 | 20 | 26 | 7 | 24 | 2* | 14 | 9* | 21 | 6* | 4 | 1* | 2843 | |
| 20 | #28 | Ennio Sporini | 10 | 18 | 7* | 19 | 10 | 30 | 27 | 15* | 13 | 25 | 17 | 15 | 2 | 9 | 2* | 8 | 5 | 3 | 5* | 12* | 5 | 30* | 2824 | |
| 21 | #11 | Smiley van Vuuren | 11 | 21 | 26* | 5 | 12 | 9 | 4* | 2* | 17 | 6 | 25 | 32 | 14 | 22 | 28 | 31 | 21 | 32 | 4* | 15* | 11* | 6 | 2604 | |
| 22 | #8 | Jeff Gordon, The Horse | 19 | 17 | 24 | 26 | 4* | 20 | 22 | 20 | 7 | 17 | 21 | 16 | 10 | 31 | 14 | 5 | 12 | 13 | 3 | 1* | 22* | 26 | 2598 | |
| 23 | #75 | "El Matador" Toto Rosanna | 32 | 13 | 27* | 29 | 29 | 15 | 17 | 5* | 10 | 9 | 9* | 8* | 6 | 10 | 25 | 7 | 1* | 18** | 31* | 29 | 31 | 3* | 2590 | |
| 24 | #22 | Bowie Jessup | 14 | 2 | 10 | 18 | 8 | 19 | 32* | 22 | 26 | 13 | 22 | 27 | 30 | 14 | 4 | 4 | 16 | 24 | 22 | 14* | 7 | 21 | 2528 | |
| 25 | #9 | Stumpy Lane | 8 | 3 | 31 | 31 | 21* | 27 | 30 | 13* | 27 | 28* | 31 | 5 | 8 | 8 | 26 | 13 | 7 | 16 | 16 | 7* | 16 | 9* | 2500 | |
| 26 | #83 | Doug Pork | 25 | 8 | 23 | 13 | 16 | 26 | 9* | 24 | 5 | 27 | 5 | 25 | 7 | 13 | 17 | 27 | 8 | 26 | 24 | 16* | 13 | 28 | 2467 | |
| 27 | #13 | 542 Norman | 7 | 15 | 6* | 11 | 27 | 3* | 25 | 18 | 11* | 11 | 13 | 13 | 31 | 28 | 31 | 21 | 28 | 11 | 6* | 24* | 30 | 29 | 2444 | |
| 28 | #1 | Vitaly Kryptov | 12 | 29 | 30 | 16 | 32* | 11* | 10* | 25* | 6 | 12 | 18 | 29 | 5 | 21 | 19 | 12 | 11 | 28 | 28 | 28 | 15 | 15 | 2383 | |
| 29 | #10 | Mr. Naga's Most Glorious Driver | 30 | 12* | 29 | 4* | 9* | 13 | 23* | 29 | 20 | 15 | 19 | 24 | 22 | 15 | 27 | 22 | 17 | 25 | 11 | 5* | 23 | 27 | 2371 | |
| 30 | #82 | Harry Gunt | 26 | 16 | 22 | 9 | 18* | 21 | 19* | 30 | 14 | 19 | 8 | 26 | 29 | 30 | 22 | 3 | 25 | 8 | 26 | 25 | 8 | 19 | 2349 | |
| 31 | #103 | Wooba Bally | 17 | 23* | 25* | 17 | 24* | 16 | 3* | DNS | 19 | 30 | 4* | 12 | 27 | 26 | 18* | 17 | 13 | 31 | 25 | 22 | 29 | 10 | 2247 | |
| 32 | #2 | Nikolai the Soviet Driving Bear | 22 | 31 | 17 | 14 | 23* | 31 | 15* | 31 | 32 | 4 | 29 | 28 | 16 | 24 | 30 | 25 | 30 | 19 | 27 | 4* | 24 | 24** | 2129 | |
A * indicates the driver led at least one lap during the race, for an additional 5 bonus points. A second * indicates the driver led the most laps during the race, for 5 bonus points in addition to the previous 5 points.
Manufacturers' Standings
| Pos | Manufacturer | Wins | Points |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ford | 11 | 3835 |
| 2 | Chevy | 5 | 3642 |
| 3 | Dodge | 3 | 3459 |
| 4 | Pontiac | 2 | 3301 |
| 5 | Toyota | 1 | 2925 |